Monday, March 23, 2009

Give Peace a Chance

You will notice that we are not in South Carolina building sand castles on the beach. No no. Instead we are here at home living with a protester 24/7. And not just any protester. A moody protester who is constantly changing her stance on all issues. Given Cheerios instead of Goldfish? Fight the power! Time to go in the car seat? Hell no, she won't go! Is dada about to change her diaper? Don't let the man beat her down! Is the dog looking at her? Did a dust mote land on her big toe? Any and all issues have the potential to spark radical protest.

I am so not a fan.

One of the most effective things about Zoey's protests is that she is constantly adapting her techniques. One minute she'll be stiff as a board and the next second she's totally limp. Civil disobedience often works well for her as it tires us out and breaks our already fragile spirits. So far she has won battles over pants, nap time, eating paper, and playing with the dog bowl. And that was just today. Inertia and gravity are on her side. So far, weight and size are on ours. I am no longer trying to lose weight with all my running; I've got to maintain my current weight so I don't lose the only advantage I have over Zoey. Demetri is also trying to bulk up with the help of Ben & Jerry's and extra carbs at dinner.

Another effective thing about Zoey's protest strategy is that she will not hesitate to cross the line from non-violence to getting the launch codes for the missiles. And you never know when it is going to happen. Kicking and biting are nothing. When she wants to employ deadly force she uses her baby veloceraptor claws. She'll stick her fingers up noses, in ears, or slice them across the jugular. Blood has been shed. Demetri and I are thankful we still posses sight and hearing.

Zoey will also not hesitate to use bodily fluids against us. Pee, poop, and her latest secret weapon, SNOT (Super Nasty Ooey Things). She will smear snot all over her face and hair in an effort to repel us. She smears snot on our clothes, face and hands when we attempt to pick her up. She has even slimed the dog. Some of her snot even has a cloaking device -- an area will seem clear and then suddenly you are stuck on a snotsicle while two snot bombs have been launched and are locked on to your position.

After Zoey goes to bed at night Demetri and I often huddle together in the darkness and light a single candle. Demetri strums his guitar and we sing Kumbaya. If we are feeling hopeful we sing the more jaunty Give Peace a Chance. Then we cry ourselves to sleep. In the next room Zoey dreams of pretty ponies, goldfish crackers and having her feet tickled by the dog knowing that she will wake up to two parents who are happy to see her, snot and all.

Zoey protesting pants:

Peaceful moments at the park:


  1. Oh I'm laughing so hard... not AT you, but WITH you. I had long hoped that after we got through the "terrible twos" and the "what's-the-cute-name-for-it threes" that the "fantastic fours" would be tantrum free (or at least easier). But when Kestian goes boneless three times on the way from the gym to the car because 1) he didn't get a grape lollipop 2) he's isn't getting in the car first and 3) I said we couldn't go out to eat...I realized that the other parents all lied to me. Damn liars! Consider yourself warned.

  2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Seriously???? I was hoping this phase would be over in a week or two ...... ^&#@*&(#@!)

  3. Mahatma Gandhi would NOT approve of the violent disobedience. You should rent the movie of his life and show it to Zozozilla. Why protest against such loving parents? Waitaminute - you didn't pull out the *gasp* SNOT SUCKER, did you? Well if you did that, then all bets are off and you are now officially an enemy of babykind.

  4. 105 point freaking NINE? Holy cow. No wonder she's pissed. Poor thing. Hope it's all getting back to happy-normal at your house now.

  5. That sounds exhausting, but wow that Zozo has got some spunk!!!

  6. I can't believe that beautiful baby is such a ticking time bomb! Zooey? With the big smile, those curly locks, and the happy face? Surely you exaggerate! (But keep it up! I love all the juicy details!)