Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Parenting Errors

Dear Ms. Decker,

It has come to our attention that this past weekend you made several Parenting Errors (PEs) ranging in severity from 1 to 5. This letter is to inform you that you are in danger of having your title of Mom revoked. You will be closely monitored in the coming weeks to determine your continued eligibility and appropriateness for the title of Mom.

Below are the PEs that have either been reported to us or observed by us:

1. Prior to attending a birthday party on Saturday you ran out of all-purpose wrapping paper. You then wrapped the gift in inside out Christmas paper and had your child 'fake draw' on the white side. This vain attempt to be cute did not hide your disorganization and lack of preparedness.
PE severity ranking: 4

2. While at above mentioned birthday party, you forgot that there were no buckles in your child's high chair and you allowed your child to plummet from a height of over 3 feet onto a hardwood floor. Further related transgressions include:

a. While attempting to comfort your child from the above incident you yourself cried.
b. You then offered your child gold fish crackers as a gauge to see if she was OK.
c. While we consider safety to be paramount, you also allowed the above
incident to occur in front of 9 other people. We prefer you commit PEs in the privacy of your own home. PE severity ranking: 1

3. Also at the above mentioned birthday party you fed your child kidney beans to see if they would come out in the diaper whole as reported by another mom.
PE severity ranking: 3

4. You paged your pediatrician 3 times this past weekend. Once for the above mentioned fall and twice for fever related issues. As a result your child's chart has been stamped HMP (High Maintenance Parent) and DAP (Dumb Ass Parent). This is an embarrassment to us.
PE severity ranking: 2

5. You allowed your child to watch Dancing with the Stars while falling asleep.
PE severity ranking: 4

6. You are still dressing your child in Christmas PJ's. In case you didn't get the memo, it's March.
PE severity ranking: 5

If you wish to challenge any of the above charges please contact:

Priscilla F. Perfect
Organization for the Protection of Basic Parenting Skills
100 Blissful Way
Nashville, TN


Faith Goody
Parenting Skills Police


  1. I just laughed so hard I cried. Literally. I think that may be the first time I have ever done that.

    Hey, at least you never had to witness the look of sheer horror on the face of your pediatrician while you told her your 12-month-old munched for a good 10 minutes on a peanut she found while crawling on a garage floor. Talk about getting DAP stamped on your child's file!

    Wait -- I shouldn't try to make you feel better by confessing my own sins. Or am I trying to one-up you in the goofiness department? Either way, I'm going to stop right here. Just don't give Ms. Goody my name or address. She's going to hunt me next.

  2. Sorry you had a rough weekend. I can remember doing stuff like that too. BOTH Damon and I (at different times) fell asleep in bed with Kestian on our chest and he rolled off onto the floor. THUD! We were devastated. And one time I was getting the kids out of the stroller and I had unbuckled Adelaide, then turned to open the car door and next thing I knew she was flat on her face on the Babies R Us parking lot. (Do they have cameras?) Yeah, we were both crying. I'm sure I'm on probation too.

  3. I LOVE Zoey's homemade gift-wrapping paper! I think you could market it! And I'm so impressed with your running! I can't imagine walking 13 miles. I once ran a 5K road race and promptly developed shin splints! BOTH of you girls go!