Monday, March 2, 2009

The Wii Fit Kicks Me While I'm Down

Yesterday, there was a series of events that brought into question my confidence, dignity, and value as a person. We went to Kara and Christopher’s house for dinner. Before dinner we played Dance Dance Revolution. Did you know you can get booed in that game? Even if it’s your first time playing, you are on the lowest level, and you’re basically a good person, you still get booed. However, when I asked, “Are they booing me?!?!?” Kara and Christopher loyally responded, “No, no, no. They are booing someone else.” And they said it so nicely and without sarcasm that for a few minutes I believed them.

But then I made the fatal decision to test out Kara and Christopher’s new Wii Fit. The Wii Fit is narrated by a perky chipmunk voice and has an anime-ish feel. You create a Mii character/profile for yourself and then the Wii Fit makes you sit through a series of lectures on health and fitness. Next, it gives you several fitness tests to determine your Wii Fit Age. The Wii Fit’s motto is something like “Fitness made fun!” The Wii Fit was very complimentary to me on the center of balance test and the BMI tests. It was constantly telling me I was “great!” and that I was doing a “great job!” and that my results were “amazing!”. I was feeling pretty good and, in fact, was almost able to hold my head up high again after being booed in Dance Dance Revolution.

Last up was the balance test. After I completed the test the Wii Fit asked me if I fall down a lot. Which I don’t. I’ve fallen twice in my life. On ice. ice. True, last week I did fall up the stairs, but who hasn’t? Then I was presented with my Wii Fit Age. The revelation of one’s Wii Fit age is preceded by an unnecessarily long and anxiety provoking drum roll. Once my age was revealed, so was the Borderline Personality of the Wii Fit:

Wii: Your Wii Fit Age is 52.

Me: What?!?!?! I’m only 33 and I’m training to run a half marathon and I go to the gym!

Wii: Sad, isn’t it?

Me: But … I can’t be 52!!!!

Wii: You are and I was being generous with 52. I’m changing your Mii nickname to Sucky-sucko-fat-pants.

Me: HEY!

Wii: Want to do some yoga?

Me: Yeah! I’m good at that! (pause) Did I just hear you chuckle?

No, no! Get into Tree Pose.

(gets into a beautiful tree pose)

Wii: Ok. You can stop now.

(gracefully gets out of tree pose)

Wii: What are you stopping for, quitter? Your muscles can’t train themselves!

Me: You TOLD me to stop!

Wii: Slacker!

Me: You’re mean. I hate Wii Fit.

Wii: Awwww, is the little bitty baby gonna cry now? You even look like you're 52! You suck!

(power off)

Thank god this was followed by an amazing Indian dinner prepared by Kara and Christopher (Christopher made cheese) and fancy cupcakes. And yes, I had more than 1 cupcake. Why? Because the Wii Fit can (say it with me) SUCK IT!!!

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