Monday, April 27, 2009

Charlotte and Zoey Hatch a Plan

"I have a plan to overthrow The Parents and achieve world domination!"

"I must put The Plan into action immediately! Where is my partner in crime?"

"Follow me Zoey! We don't have much time!"

"Can we use this ball for your plan?"

"No, we must use these mallets that The Parents foolishly left out . . ."

"Drat! Our arch nemesis, Experienced Grandparent, stopped us . . . for now."

"Bwahahahaha! We have access to a . . . uh . . .green can thingy! Victory will be ours!"

"If only we could get inside it ...."

"Stick your arm into the magical liquid inside green can thingy. . ."

"I'll distract The Parents with a diaper flash . . ."

"Ha HA! Our powers are growing!"

"oooh! Look! A pretty butterfly!"

"Doh! Zoey is too easily distracted! I will have to be Ruler of the Universe without her!"

"But wait! A rare Xylodog! I love dogs . . ."

Will Charlotte and Zoey ever defeat The Parents and achieve world domination? Stay tuned!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Number 4 on the Suck It List

Zoey's 1st birthday is coming up in about a week and a half. I don't want to be one of those high maintenance, pain in the booty moms who has to have everything just right for her little princess. But I am trying to get organized this week because the half marathon is Saturday and I'm not sure I'll be able to do anything next week other than moan. Walking seems like a lofty goal. So a few days ago I went to Party City and got festive plates that do NOT have princesses or Dora on them (score!), and a birthday banner. I picked a theme: ducks (Zoey can't get enough ducks in her life for some reason). I got a candle shaped like the number one that Zoey will go nowhere near and Demetri and I will blow out for her. Plus, I got pretty napkins.

Then it was time to order the cake. No, I am not making a cake. And yes, Zoey one day will just have to work it out in therapy that her mother didn't love her enough to bake. But maybe by then Zoey will have bigger issues -- like how her mean dad didn't let her borrow the hovercraft to meet her 19 year-old, unemployed boyfriend for a virtual reality show. So anyway, I may not be baking but I still want her to have a yummy and pretty cake. Oh, and a healthy one, too. So we went to Whole Foods.

And that is where I met Terri (after asking 3 different people if there was someone who could help me with a cake order). Terri who was supposed to be working at the juice bar, not the bakery. No one told her she had to work in the bakery. She doesn't like the bakery. You know how I know all that? She told me. Between eye rolls and sighs.

Then I told her I wanted to order a cake. Oh the horror! The work that was about to be involved! And then, gentle reader, disaster struck. Terri could not find a pen. Could a worse fate befall anyone less deserving? Terri thought not.

Once a pen and a scrap of paper were found, I became a difficult customer and asked Terri a series of difficult questions. What size cake would feed 10 adults? How much do the cakes cost? Can I get cream cheese frosting instead of butter cream? Terri's answer to all of the above was, "I dunno."

In my quest to not be a high maintenance mom I ploughed ahead and ordered a 6 inch smash cake for Zoey. I asked for vanilla. Terri said, "We don't have vanilla cakes." I pointed to a cupcake in the display that was directly behind a sign that read Mini Vanilla Cup Cake with Butter Cream and then informed Terri that I had eaten one of those about 10 minutes ago. "No you didn't" said Terri. I replied that yeah, actually I did and I showed her the half still left in the plastic box. Terri said, "Well I don't know what you ate but we only have yellow cake." DUMBEST CONVERSATION EVER. So I left having ordered a 6 inch yellow cake with maybe-cream-cheese-frosting-but-Terri-doesn't-know-if-they-do-that-so-she'll-just-write-it-on-the-scrap-of-paper-and-see-what-happens.

By the time I made it to the car I was kinda pissed. I mean, I even had to PAY for the 99 cent sample cake. This momma does want her little princess' first birthday to be perfect -- or at least I want what I order. The Whole Foods Bakery can SUCK IT!! I'm canceling our order -- that'll show 'em! Don't mess with a mom, baby!

A sad Zoey tells Charlotte about the cake fiasco and Charlotte is appropriately outraged.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

11 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day

TO: Mom
FR: Zoey
RE: New Rules

This memo is to inform you of recent rule changes in Zoey World (aka The Known Universe That Encompasses All That Is and Ever Will Be Important):

1. Bad news, Cheerios no longer amuse me so don't even try.

2. I must be within 2 feet of you at any and all times. Dad is not a reasonable substitute (even though he is more fun and nicer than you).

3. You may not leave the room, feed yourself, or use the bathroom without my express permission. My lack of permission will be evidenced by a full body tantrum and shrieking (for future reference this is also what my wrath and displeasure look like).

4. The terms 'personal space' and 'personal needs' no longer apply to you.

5. In public, at the doctor's office, or with the grandparents I will continue to be my adorable, well behaved self. When you try and tell others that I am less than perfect, they will not believe you and will instead think you are a bad parent.

6. I will poop at least 3 times a day, preferably when we are in public, in the car, or just before we are about to leave the house.

7. When I demand that you hold me, you must comply. Or suffer my displeasure (see #3).

8. When holding me you may not put me down until I give the OK. 'The Ok' will often take the form of kicking, hair pulling, or scratching.

9. Biting means I love you. Any blood that is drawn or bruises that result are a sign of my affection.

10. Naps are for losers. (And that means you!)

11. My continued refusal to say 'Mama' is done out of spite. I could say it if I wanted to. I want you to know that I know that this annoys you.

12. Diaper changes and wardrobe adjustments cut into my very busy schedule. From now on you must ensure that these events occur while I am standing and playing. Any interruption in my activities will result in you suffering my wrath (see #3).

13. I love Gilmore and goldfish way more than you.

Please note that the above is not inclusive of all rules and the above may be changed at any time without your consent or knowledge.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Letter to Zoey's First Mom

Dear Victoria,

I know it's time to write you again because I've been having dreams about you. I dream of sitting in the hospital room and talking to you. I'm sitting by the window and you are propped up on the bed. The light is grey -- either pre-dawn or a winter afternoon. The air and the dream itself feels heavy -- my body strains under it, tries to stay whole. In the dream I try and convince you to write to us, to talk to us -- even just a little. I try and tell you that Zoey will have questions. What's your favorite color? Who's your favorite princess? Do you like peas?

I have no right to ask you for more, more than you have already given. But I do it anyway. I ask you for a picture. I imagine Zoey staring at the picture and seeing parts of herself in a way that she will never see in me -- her eyes, the curve of her chin, the way you hold your hands. In the dream you talk to me like a friend -- smiling, laughing too loud until you cry, some silences.

In real life, I only had 12 minutes with you. You stayed closed off and I wondered if you liked me, if you trusted me. Your emptiness filled up the room, quietly sneaking into to all the corners, pressing against the glass of the windows, and seeping out under the crack in the door. But your face stayed careful -- careful not to give anything away. I tried to remember everything to tell Zoey later: the red jello on your hospital tray was untouched, your ankles were crossed under the thin blanket on the bed, you had on a black track jacket with yellow stripes down the sides. Your voice was gentle. Your were surprised when I asked if I could give you a hug.

I did not ever see you cry. But I cried. After they wheeled you away. Your cut medical bracelet was left on the table. We were given new plastic bracelets to match Zoey. 'Baby Girl' on all 3 of our wrists. But no longer on yours. I went into a back room with broken down medical equipment and crooked blinds and cried. And cried.

Do you read the letters I send? Do you look at the pictures? Do you think we are doing a good job? Do you like princesses? Do you like peas? Do you?

Write back. Please write back.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Triumphant Return

We made it back from South Carolina but are still recovering from a 10 hour travel day. Sigh. I'll be back with real blog posts soon. For now here are some pictures from the trip.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

And Today's Diagnosis is ......

Forget what I wrote yesterday about freedom. It was short lived. Zoey now also has strep butt. That's right -- strep BUTT. Just like strep throat but somewhere else. Getting over this involves antibiotics and lots of . . .um . . . 'thorough' creaming. I am heavily self medicating today.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Guess what we did today? Left the house!! True it was to go to the doctor. (again). But still. And yes, I did have to do a confidence building meditation before showing my face in the office after last time. It turns out that Dr. A is even cooler than we thought and is still speaking to us. This time Zoey has fluid in her ears and some kind of snot infection that is apparently too strong for the Amoxicillin prescribed for the initial strep. Now we have a new non-wimpy antibiotic and ear numbing drops.

When we left the office we felt like that scene at the end of Brave Heart: Mel Gibson is being tortured before he is put to death and yells "FREEDOM!". Except minus the torture and death part. We had been given the 'not-contagious' stamp from Dr. A (plus new drugs which never hurt) and the world was ours. The sunlight was the most beautiful sunlight ever seen! The tree blossoms were the most delicate and lovely to ever bloom! The parking lost asphalt sparkled like the most beautiful diamonds! So . . . we called Niki and Charlotte, met up for lunch at Blue Coast Burrito, and sat outside where the girls could throw all the food they wanted on the ground. Plus, I had an orange soda. FREEDOM!