Thursday, April 23, 2009

Number 4 on the Suck It List

Zoey's 1st birthday is coming up in about a week and a half. I don't want to be one of those high maintenance, pain in the booty moms who has to have everything just right for her little princess. But I am trying to get organized this week because the half marathon is Saturday and I'm not sure I'll be able to do anything next week other than moan. Walking seems like a lofty goal. So a few days ago I went to Party City and got festive plates that do NOT have princesses or Dora on them (score!), and a birthday banner. I picked a theme: ducks (Zoey can't get enough ducks in her life for some reason). I got a candle shaped like the number one that Zoey will go nowhere near and Demetri and I will blow out for her. Plus, I got pretty napkins.

Then it was time to order the cake. No, I am not making a cake. And yes, Zoey one day will just have to work it out in therapy that her mother didn't love her enough to bake. But maybe by then Zoey will have bigger issues -- like how her mean dad didn't let her borrow the hovercraft to meet her 19 year-old, unemployed boyfriend for a virtual reality show. So anyway, I may not be baking but I still want her to have a yummy and pretty cake. Oh, and a healthy one, too. So we went to Whole Foods.

And that is where I met Terri (after asking 3 different people if there was someone who could help me with a cake order). Terri who was supposed to be working at the juice bar, not the bakery. No one told her she had to work in the bakery. She doesn't like the bakery. You know how I know all that? She told me. Between eye rolls and sighs.

Then I told her I wanted to order a cake. Oh the horror! The work that was about to be involved! And then, gentle reader, disaster struck. Terri could not find a pen. Could a worse fate befall anyone less deserving? Terri thought not.

Once a pen and a scrap of paper were found, I became a difficult customer and asked Terri a series of difficult questions. What size cake would feed 10 adults? How much do the cakes cost? Can I get cream cheese frosting instead of butter cream? Terri's answer to all of the above was, "I dunno."

In my quest to not be a high maintenance mom I ploughed ahead and ordered a 6 inch smash cake for Zoey. I asked for vanilla. Terri said, "We don't have vanilla cakes." I pointed to a cupcake in the display that was directly behind a sign that read Mini Vanilla Cup Cake with Butter Cream and then informed Terri that I had eaten one of those about 10 minutes ago. "No you didn't" said Terri. I replied that yeah, actually I did and I showed her the half still left in the plastic box. Terri said, "Well I don't know what you ate but we only have yellow cake." DUMBEST CONVERSATION EVER. So I left having ordered a 6 inch yellow cake with maybe-cream-cheese-frosting-but-Terri-doesn't-know-if-they-do-that-so-she'll-just-write-it-on-the-scrap-of-paper-and-see-what-happens.

By the time I made it to the car I was kinda pissed. I mean, I even had to PAY for the 99 cent sample cake. This momma does want her little princess' first birthday to be perfect -- or at least I want what I order. The Whole Foods Bakery can SUCK IT!! I'm canceling our order -- that'll show 'em! Don't mess with a mom, baby!

A sad Zoey tells Charlotte about the cake fiasco and Charlotte is appropriately outraged.


  1. Just for that, I will boycott Whole Foods. Oh wait, I'm too lazy to shop there more than once or twice a year. You better believe we're not getting Charlotte's first birthday cake there! Oh wait, she already turned one. Well, I'll badmouth the bakery at all appropriate times. I can do that at least.

  2. I'd totally cancel the order too. Just be careful if you order it from someplace else...oh, like don't end up with something like this either

    (And I've never baked a cake yet for the kids either yet, by the way.)

  3. Looks like Charlie is telling Zoey that she'll send some "people" down to Whole Foods to make them an offer "they can't refuse."

  4. Given Terri's thinly-veiled rage disorder and IQ challenge, I think it's best she not be involved with providing food for anyone, let alone babies. I am SO looking at name tags next time. With interest.