Sunday, May 31, 2009

Parenting Errors, Part II

Dear Ms. Decker,

Per our letter dated March 15, 2008 you have been monitored in order to assess your continued eligibility for the title of Mom. We regret to inform you that you have been placed on probation, effective today. This probation is a direct result of the Parenting Errors (PEs) you have made in the last week (we usually expect the severity and frequency of these errors to be spread over years. yes, year with an 's').

Below are the PEs that have either been reported to us or observed by us:

1. You observed your daughter taking food out of the dog's mouth and then eating it. Not only did you do nothing to stop this, you did not react with appropriate levels of disgust.

2. While supposedly 'watching' your daughter and checking your email, your daughter opened the dishwasher, took out two paring knives, and began to dance around with them. While this does demonstrate adequate development of your daughter's fine and gross motor skills, it does not reflect well on your skills as a mother.

3. You have been observed driving around town with your daughter while listening to 'Gettin' Jiggy Wit It' by William Smith and 'Add it Up' by the Violent Femmes. These songs are simply not appropriate for children under the age of 16.

4. Your mothering skills at the pool have been a travesty and are a true embarrassment to us. Upon the first visit to the pool you neglected to bring any pool toys whatsoever. Upon the second visit to the pool your daughter did a face plant in the baby pool. Twice. Clapping and saying 'Yay!' once you picked her up out of the water did not convince anyone that what had occurred was fun or a good idea.

5. Your child has been seen wearing the same onsie two days in a row. Frequently.

6. Your daughter has chicken at at least 10 of her meals a week. Please be more creative in the kitchen. Please note: Goldfish crackers are not an acceptable side item at every meal.

7. You have allowed your daughter to climb on the kitchen island shelf, a rocking chair, up onto an end table, and onto the 'adult chair' in the play room. Your child then fell off of the adult chair, rocking chair, and kitchen island shelf. You framed these falls as 'lessons on gravity'. We here at the Organization for the Protection of Basic Parenting Skills feel that it is perhaps you that needs a lesson in gravity.

8. Your daughter burned her hand on a light bulb. We would recognize your improvement that at least you were in the same room when it happened (unlike the above chair incidents), but this only underscores your utter failing as a mom.

9. On more than one occasion you have suggested that Zoey go show her book to the dog so that you can check Facebook.

As a result of your probation, you will be re-enrolled in our Basic Parenting Skills class and will be assigned a case manager. If you have questions or concerns please contact me at the below address.


Priscilla F. Perfect
Organization for the Protection of Basic Parenting Skills
100 Blissful Way
Nashville, TN


  1. 1. How my children have remained in my care is clearly due to some clerical error, which has resulted in my total absence from the system.

    2. Ten servings of chicken is not an actionable offense. Now, the woman at NASCAR with the baby bottle full of RC cola......

    3. Prissy Perfect can suck it. Then she can get a job at the Whole Foods bakery.

  2. I gotta try that "go show the dog your book" thing. That's genius.