Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Lovely Little Tour

What? What's that you say? You want to have a baby? Well, how marvelous for you! How absolutely spiffy! Yes, I'm sure the baby will adjust to your schedule. No, no, I'm sure your life will stay pretty much the same. But your house won't. Let me give you a tour of your future!Come right this way . . .

All your cabinets, drawers, closets, etc. will need to be child proofed. These locks are super fun and super easy to install! You and your partner will have hours (and hours) of quality time together during this fantastic project!


Gates will become a significant part of your life. Not only are the gates esthetically pleasing, but they are expensive too!

Some of the gates also require installation! Yay! Another fun project! And, don't worry, the directions are useless! Some other, lesser, parents may make a mistake or two and install the gate backwards! Or upside down. But not you!

Areas that cannot be gated or locked must be otherwise creatively contained. Note how the chair faces inward to both block opening of the draws and to prevent climbing. What genius!

It is likely that one of your favorite rooms, like, say, the library (in which you painstakingly arranged all the books alphabetically and by genre) will have to be blocked off by furniture and a guard dog -- thus becoming totally useless. Did I say useless? I meant organizationally enhanced.

All your plants will have to be moved outside. Here's a great activity: longingly stare out the window at your plants while you wonder what time it is, what day it is, and how the world could possibly continue to go on given your current level of exhaustion. Fun times!


Laundry will be your new best friend. You will always have some to do. Always. It will sit there, mocking you, guilting you, like only a true best friend would! And one day you will run out of clean undies despite your best efforts and you will melt into a pile of tears and snot, consumed by the thought of your complete and utter uselessness. It's great to be reminded of our insignificance, no?


There will be fun, new accessories in your bathroom to help you complete the task of weekly daily hygiene.


The door to the downstairs bathroom will have to remain shut to prevent an accidental drowning. Being closed off will cause the room to take on an extra-special aroma that is especially pleasing to guests who have not yet built up a tolerance. Your social standing will sky rocket!

Dog toys and baby toys will become confused. By all parties. Eventually they will be swapped interchangeably and when guests or grandparents cringe, you will site an article from The New York Times that says dirt (loosely translated as dog drool) is good for a baby's immune system.




Your dog (aka your first baby) will have to become camel-like and store water somewhere on/in his dog-person. The water bowl will be kept on the counter to prevent constant spillage. Although this may decrease precious counter space, it is amusing to pretend the dog water is actually a soothing fountain. Ahhhh! Can't you hear the gentle trickle?



Everything becomes a potential toy. Yes, tragically, the cat butt is in this picture for a reason.


As per above, there will be random shit treasures all over the house. What do a giraffe, a Tupperware lid, and a wiffle ball have in common? I'll just let you find out on your own. Moving on . . .



You will also have drawers of random 'treasures'. Here, if you look closely, you can see bows, bubbles, nose drops, anti-fungal cream, shoes, q-tips, a lotion sample, swim diapers, a heating pad, a block, and a thermometer.



A huge amount of space will be given up for baby accessories. And yes, Goldfish are an accessory.

Note the counter and cabinet space that has been sacrificed lovingly given.



Your kitchen table will look like this: an amazing feat of organization with each and every thing in a specific place for a specific reason (i.e.- The baby pooped on me as we walked in the door so yes, I did have to put that bag there, OKAY!???).


Although your home will be destroyed and ravaged by the beast baby you are about to welcome into your home, you will still feel compelled to display pictures of said beast on every available surface. And when you run out of room in your home, you will turn to blogging.




8 comments:

  1. Just so your gentle readers know, you [zozo's mom] never feel "compelled to put photos of said beast" all over, it's because the little worm has worked her way so far into your heart that you celebrate all those kodak moments and love each and every little memory with her. Like when it's been too quiet for a few minutes, so you go looking for her and find her sitting in her little pint-sized chair just looking out the window and holding her stuffy. And when you find yourself wandering about the house for hours only wearing one sandal you think to yourself, who needs two shoes anyway?

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  3. love the photos

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  4. My sister and her husband have nearly come to blows over installing gates at the top and bottom of both sets of stairs. Their one-year-old grandson and his parents are living with them for the summer. Grump (my brother-in-law) doesn't want to drill holes in the walls, is SURE there's one out there that will fit their custom stairs and doesn't have to be screwed in. Sugar (my sister) is just as SURE that the baby's going to fall to his death before they can return him safely to their home in New York City. It has caused such a ruckus, I'm ready to hire it done mySELF.

    And I must confess, I'm one of those who thought we'd adjust the baby's schedule to ours. hahaha. hahahahahaha. ha.

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  5. Um, WHY is there a stroller in your bathroom? That's the one thing I'm not quite sure I understand... ; )

    I never realized just how small my kitchen was until we had the baby. Now did I realize just how much laundry I could do in a week without even making a dent in the pile. I think they also need to sell gates in cool modern colors. Or with slots in them to insert photos to remind you of why you have to put up with the barriers.

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  6. The stroller is the ONLY way I can contain her so I can shower. What do you do . . .?

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  7. We are just now starting to think about baby-proofing... we did our cabinets when I was still preggo because we had some friends come to stay for a week with their 2 yo twins. We haven't dealt with gates, or moving breakable menorahs off low shelves, or anything like that yet. I'm hoping F will give us a bit longer before she starts crawling. Sigh. (BTW, I am so jealous you can fit your stroller in your bathroom! That is awesome!)

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  8. Yes it was (and still is) a constant struggle to keep stuff out of their reach (grabby, grabby). I sacrificed my well-organized CD collection to them, (but after the thousandth time of re-shelving them, I creatively put up a plexiglass frame in front...this creative tactic kept the CDs safe, but made them inaccessible to us as well for a good year or two). And oh, by the way, I STILL don't shower everyday.

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