Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Totally-Fiction-Because-I -Would-Never-Do-This-to-My-Husband-Because-He-Does-Have-Super-Sonic-Ears


Conversation at 5:30 PM:
Demetri: I'll totally hear the cat if he wants back in tonight.
Me: Um, I'm sorry, did you just say you'll hear the cat? Scratching at the door?
Demetri: Yeah, I have Super Sonic Ears!
Me: Oooooooh kaaaaaaaaay.

After midnight:
I hear creaking and muffled thumps from the next room. Zoey is waking up. Demetri is snoring next to me, the covers pulled tight under his chin. Zoey begins to whimper. I pretend rollover shaking the bed as much as I can. The snoring continues. The whimpering has turned into crying. I do a kick like someone with restless leg syndrome might. I connect with my husband's kneecap on the first try. He makes a wet, gulping sound and rolls away from me taking the blankets with him. Damn the king size bed! The snoring resumes. I pull on the blankets so the part that is tucked under his chin is now tight and noose like. He rolls back on his back, freeing his wind pipe. I think I see a little glimmer of drool slide from his mouth towards the pillow.* The crying intensifies: Yells that say You-are-incompetent-slacker-of-a-parent-Can-you-not-hear-me?! punctuated by hiccup-y breathing that says I-am-so-pathetic-and-cute-you-must-come-hold-me. I connect my elbow with Demetri's nose via a thinly veiled Oh-no-I-am-having-a-scary-nightmare maneuver. I hear a muffled "ow". He rolls toward me and attempts to get into the spooning position. I elbow him in the stomach. Zoey is wailing, BaaaaaBaaaaaaa!. My husband, who I promised to love no matter what, nudges me and whispers, "I think the baby is up. She wants you". "I am NOT Baba," I hiss back. "YOU are Baba." "No" he says sleepily, "I've never been Baba. I've always been Dada." I sit up. "Well, you are Baba tonight, Mr. Super Sonic Ears." My kind, hot, amazing husband (Hi honey!) shuffles out of the room to get Zoey. I roll into my pillow, victorious. "Super sonic my ass." Then a yell from the shadows of the hall: "I totally heard that!"

*For future reference, this is the point when I became officially bitter.

8 comments:

  1. Ok, I don't know what part is funnier. This is hilarious! "I think the baby is up. She wants you." Brilliant!

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  2. What a crack-up!

    CJS

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  3. Love it! I am glad that I am not the only one who tries to wake the super sonic hearing husband when the babies cry. In fact, a scarily similar scenario occured in our household around 4:30 this morning.

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  4. How can people sleep through getting poked and prodded and kicked? I have never been able to figure that one out. I once slept through a fire alarm in college, but now I wake up if I even hear Charlotte turning over in her crib or sense that Corey's cold feet are approaching the demilitarized zone (the line he is NOT to cross since I cannot sleep if even a hair of his is touching me). Demetri has some serious sleeping skills. Now if only he could teach such skills to ZoZo...

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  5. I was seriously laughing out loud at this. And we have all been there... I'm always trying to get Josh to wake up and deal with F or the cat or whatever the nighttime annoyance du jour is...

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  6. I love this! Too Funny! Thanks for sharing.

    jamie

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  7. I see this happening in my near future. Ya gotta love foreshadowing. Thanks!

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  8. You are so funny. I don't know how this feels yet but I see it in my future...

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