Monday, November 2, 2009

Number 7 on the Suck It list

Last Monday night and into Tuesday I had the worst fibromyalgia 'flare-up'* I have ever had. My fibro-philosophy thus far has been to refuse pain meds in favor of working with my body to figure out what makes me well and what makes me hurt. And my body and I have done some good work together. But on Tuesday afternoon I was in the doctor's office crying and begging for pain meds. It's wasn't pretty. If I'd had the energy I would have felt bad for my doctor. All last week I was unable to care for Zoey. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful mother was here from 6:45 am until Demetri got home. Every. Single. Day. Zoey started calling my mom and Demetri 'mami'. Yup, it was a bullet through the heart. When I did manage to come downstairs, Zoey looked at me passingly and largely without interest, Oh, it's that crazy lady from upstairs again. Just what every mother hopes for: to be forgotten by her own child.

One doesn't just get over a flare-up. It can't be powered through. You don't just bounce back. It's more like clawing your way out of a deep, dark hole towards a pin prick of light. You have all this rope to help you. But you're not very good at knots. And you're not wearing a harness. One mistake and your back at the bottom, muddy and bruised. Plus, your upper body isn't exactly buff. You have to build up your strength, rest, build up, rest. Breathe. It takes a long time to climb up and out. Right now, I'm hopping to be strong and totally well again by January. That may be pushing it.

I had to make some tough decisions. I quit soccer (bailing on a bunch of middle school girls and the head coach -- yup, it felt awesome**). I cleared my schedule -- including canceling lunch with a friend for the THIRD time in a row. I put repeat posts on Cool Moms Care. I haven't run in over a week. My life has to become very small for a while. In my not-so-great moments this makes me angry. I feel like I should be able to be a mom, and a wife, and a soccer coach, and a writer, and a runner, and a good friend. All at once. In my better-ish moments I know that there are times when I can't be all those things. And I know that's ok. But right now it's still feeling pretty bad. So, fibromyalgia? You can suck it!

Oh, and if I'm posting less than twice a week you now know why. Nothing personal. Just me having to dial things back.


*The term 'flare-up' so doesn't do the experience justice. It's like calling a 15 car pile-up a 'fender bender'.
** If by awesome we mean lowly, wimpy, and guilt-ridden.

12 comments:

  1. I'm sooooo sorry you're having to go through this. I was wondering what was going on. I'm so glad that your mom can be there for you. I'm sure I have no idea what it's like (but you describe it very well!), and I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. There is no way in hell Zoey forgot you. I totally understand the worry, but let it go. Your her Main Mommy Machine, and it's ok if she learns that sometimes you are more available than other times, but no matter what, you're her Mommy. Good for you for making choices to take care of yourself, and I hope you get back up to full speed soon!

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  3. I'm sorry that you're feeling so lousy. Please know that my offer to have Zoey over for a playdate is a standing one. Please let me know how I can help. I'll check in with you soon. Take care...

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  4. Oh Joslyne! I'm so sorry to hear it has been so agonizing. I will be sending you continuous good vibes and I'm always ready and flexible to run, walk or whatever you need to get back to feeling good. And your Mom is one of the most awesome, special people I've ever met. I'm so happy for you that she is there for you.

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  5. And if you get really desperate, I can come babysit!

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  6. And tell you funny stories about middle-aged goobers who congregate over cheap wine some thirty years after they didn't speak to each other in high school!

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  7. Doooooode - I think fibro needs to be moved to #1 on the Suck It list. I know they're not really ranked in order of hideousness, but there's just something special about being #1. And you KNOW all you have to do is bat your eyelashes and Charlie Jo and I will be there in a flash to do whatever we can for you!!

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  8. Some friend I am. I had no idea the extent and duration of a "flare-up". Thank you for explaining. Jeez, you're even tougher than I realized!

    And I echo SW Mama- Zoey may have given you some room, but there is NO WAY she forgot you. Not even a tiny bit. That silver thread attaches at both ends.

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  9. How hard to have to go through this deep dark valley, especially when you are so admirably taking "the high road" in your awesome self-care.....sounds really painful and frustrating. I'm glad the support is there for you from your parents & husband & friends. Sending you lots of comforting throughts from CA!

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  10. Life isn't about "shoulds." Life is simply you taking one foot in front of the other and living it to the best you can. And, by the way, you're doing great! Lunches come and go - friends remain.

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  11. I had no idea that we have this hideous condition in common. Today, I awoke from my colonoscopy to find that they had to put me out instead of just making me drowsy because I was in so much pain from the fibromyalgia. It apparently flared up because of the stress of fluids only yesterday and missing my meds for 24 hours. I've learned so many things about living with the other "f" word. When I respond to an invitaiton, I say, "I'm planning to come." This is no guarantee that I'll actually make it; I wait and see. When I do have to miss something, I try to focus on the many awesome things I have done and I always try to keep something on the books to look forward to. God bless you, sweet friend. And feel free to call or email, any time of day or night.

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