Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The In-Between (Dad, this contains the F-word. So just skip over that part and pretend it never happened. 'Kay?)


So here's what happened: I went to see a Fibromyalgia specialist a week before Christmas. He confirmed the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and added Chronic Fatigue and severe iron deficiency. He put me on some new meds to help with pain, fatigue, etc. And one of the meds was bad. Very, very bad. One might even use the word 'evil'. I not only lost the ability to detect and use sarcasm (gasp!) but I was unable to control my emotions. At all. Ever.

Yes, Mommy was a tad bit unstable. As in, Mommy could not be alone with Zoey. As in, when a song wouldn't play on the computer fast enough Mommy began to scream, S-C-R-E-A-M, "FUCK! FUCK! WHY WON'T ANYTHING FUCKING WORK! I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING!" And then Mommy sobbed. And Zoey cried. . . . and was afraid of me for the next 3 days.

Sigh.

It took me a good 6 days to decide to go off the Evil Medicine. I thought maybe I was falling apart from getting a confirmed diagnosis of a chronic illness. I know, I know. You don't get it. But it makes sense to me. When I went to see the doctor my fear was that he would tell me, "Well, golly, No. No, you don't have Fibromyalgia. You're just a big wimp. Now go out and live a normal life!" And when he didn't tell me that I realized it was a fear . . . and a hope. A hope that maybe I was OK, normal, fine. And I'm not not those things. But I'm not fully those things either. I'm the in-between. I thought maybe I was falling apart from being banished to the in-between. I thought I was angry at being sent there forever. I thought maybe I was bitter at everyone telling me I should be happy for the diagnosis, that it's a gift. I am bitter and angry and falling apart. But only a little. The Evil Medication magnified it. Made it awful and huge.

Now I am me again.

And The in-between is not a terrible place to be. Most of the time. It can be a little grey and a little lonely. But I'm making myself a room there. With yellow curtains and a braided rug. A tea pot with fading roses painted on the side. Books. A rocking chair. A green and heather knitted blanket. I am learning to be comfortable there. No . . . here. I am learning to be comfortable here.

So here's what happened: I went to see a doctor. Bad things happened. Angry things. I got better. I am getting better. People that love me are learning how to visit the in-between. And I am learning how to let them.

So much love and thanks to Demetri, Mom and Dad, Annie, Nancy, Kate, Carla, Kelly, Alicia, and Niki.


9 comments:

  1. Fibromyalgia must suck. But you are one awesome mom anyway!

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  2. We love you wherever you are!

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  3. Joslyne, my fierce friend- Your gifts are many, but your loving heart is surely chief among them. You're such a great mom, no matter the hurdles. (And you're funny as hell, too.) Do I need to apologize for using the h-word? Sorry, Mr. Decker:)

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  4. Woman, you are strong as iron for dealing with everything and keeping your fabulous wit in tact. I, too, dealt with an evil medicine once (I will never get that Thanksgiving back that I spent in a weepy, exhausted haze), so I understand this post somewhat. The support you have is fabulous!!

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  5. FYI-- the word verification I just had to type in was "whanc". I'm going to be giggling for the rest of the day for no good reason as a result.

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  6. I wish I was there to give you a hug. And then build a little bonfire in the driveway to burn the evil medicine (and anything else we feel like throwing in the flames). And then we would have a party with balloons and chocolate. (But not in the bathtub, I promise.) Fuck yeah! (Oh, sorry, Dad. :))

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  7. Oh man, what a process. We're sending you lots of love from DC. You an amazing person.

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  8. Gift or no gift you are my one and only and I love you always !! Wish I could do more for you to make the "hurt" go away. I would actually like to kick "the damn thing" out of you... sorry, dad! :-)
    Writing seems to be a great outlet for you AND all of us enjoy your sarcasm, realism, and funnism.

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