Friday, February 12, 2010

Don't Worry, I Really Am Loved. I Think . . .

Last night I did something one should never do. Never. Ever. I went on WebMD and used the 'symptom checker'. Apparently I have appendicitis, cancer, or an intestinal blockage. Awesome. Demetri made a go of being sincere and supportive. But he broke down during dinner and couldn't seem to stop giggling. Or smirking. At ME. I asked him if my stomach seemed swollen. He promptly answered, "No. No, no." And he shook his head for emphasis. Now, it's true, I have been working with my kind husband on The Quick Response. For example, when I ask Do you love me? it's best for all concerned if he answers without a lengthy pause. In fact, it should go something like this: "Do you love m-" "YES! Yes I do! I LOOOOOOOVEEEE YOU!" And then he throws himself into my arms and allows me to pat his perfect butt. So, in theory, his answer about my swollen stomach was good. At least in terms of timing. But here's the problem: I was seated at a table and I was wearing a ginormous fleece and a bathrobe. So there's no way in hell he could see my stomach.

I didn't feel well. I was being laughed at -- mocked, if you will. So I did what any respectable person would do. I cried. Not full out bawling. More like tearful sniffling. Demetri got up to get more wine. I mumbled something about Yeah, I guess you need more wine to deal with your incredibly whiny wife. And my husband? He grumbles, Yeeaaahhh.

So then I call my BFF to get some real sympathy. And I feel all cared for and worried about . . . until we hang up. I say, "Don't worry, I'll call you if any of my organs explode during the night." And my BFF? She says, "Um, yeah, don't call after 10." HUMPH!

Clearly I need to work with some people on The Empathetic Response. Like, "Oh homey-bunny-boo-boo-head I am so sorry you feel sick." Or "I will duct tape my phone to my head and never ever sleep so you can call me any time." It's also possible that perhaps I need to work on telling myself it's going to be OK. And believing it.


  1. Ahem. What am I, chopped livah? I thought my response was appropriately empathic. Hmph. :)

  2. Clearly laughter is the best medicine. Obvioulsy it would have been fine to 10:01. I hope you're feeling better!

  3. I think it's entirely appropriate to love someone during business hours only. If the quality of caring goes down after hours, it's best to just cut it off officially so as to avoid insufficient comfort. She better be on her game during business hours though... : )

  4. Your stomach looks fine from here...and I am only giggling because I thought of something else that was funny...totally not related...HONEST!

    Let me know how it's going.


  5. Medical School=Your response to WebMD to the umpteenth power