Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Swimsuit Issue

Dear Lands' End,

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your swim wear collection. I'm a fan of the 157 options you offer. It's great that you realize that women are not just one body type (i.e. - that of size 2 pre-teen), but instead offer us 5 types to choose from. I'm still not sure what a "star" body shape is, but it doesn't sound too bad. I'd rather be a "star" than, say, a "rectangle". And it's great that you allow a shopper to shop for a suit via her "anxiety zone":
Minimize Bust (4)However, you seem to be missing one anxiety zone in particular. May I suggest, "Enhance Ass"?

You see, those of us with a no-butt face a particular difficulty during swim season. NOTHING looks good on us. Take the swim skirt:

Beach Living Wide Waistband Mini <span class=
Sure, it looks all fetching and cute. Until we exit the pool. Then the fabric clings to the flat/board-like extension of our lower back (technically, our butt), making it all the more horrible to behold. No one needs to see that. And getting a regular a 'regular' swim bottom like so:
Beach Living Tummy Control Swim Bottom or Solid #1 Leg <span class=

is also out because our gluteus is simply not maximus enough to fill it out. The extra fabric is not exactly flattering. True, it might be handy for storing swim toys, a life vest, or an extra soda or two but really, no one wants to see that either.

Perhaps you could add something like this to your suits?

Just an idea. Although I'm not sure if they float or sink. That would be something to look in to.

For now, I'm just going to have to order the striped bottoms:

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Cool Moms Care: 'Member?

This weeks post is up at Cool Moms Care. Click here to read all about how Zoey now has a memory . . .

And I will have a new! original! exciting! post here on Zozo's Mom by tomorrow. But in the meantime, check out my latest Stinkerbells post on feminism.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Cool Moms Care: Zoey's Song

This week's Cool Moms Care post is up. You can read all about my secret life as a song writer here.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Not My Fault (Again)

Behold! The latest toddler haute couture! This little ensemble was put together for a birthday party Zoey attended over the weekend. And, in all fairness to my lovely and creative daughter, Daddy may have had some input on the outfit.

Yes. Well. . . .

Didn't you know? A moose shirt works well for any occasion! And sweat-pants aren't just for the gym! Oh no! They can double as sassy, loose leggings under any dress or skirt! Pink and brown with red and purple? Why not! We're not afraid of a little color in this house. (Ahem!)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Supreme Annoyance and #8 on The Suck It List

It takes my husband 37 minutes to make a salad. THIRTY-SEVEN MINUTES. I find this . . . excessive. And yes, he does make an excellent salad -- complete with tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, sunflower seeds, and croutons. He even makes his own dressing. But somehow the goodness of the salad does not erase my SUPREME ANNOYANCE that it takes 37 minutes to make. I think my annoyance exists on two levels. Well, actually my annoyance is so multi-leveled that it could be a skyscraper. But my supreme annoyance exists on two levels: 1) I can make the same salad but way, way faster and 2) I can finish making the main course, clean off the table, make my daughter dinner, feed the animals, load the dishwasher, wash the remaining dishes, check Facebook, and set the table and Demetri WILL STILL BE MAKING SALAD. In fact, our conversation often goes like this:
Me: Honey? Dinner's ready. Is the salad done?
Demetri: Nope. I'm just about to start washing the lettuce.
Then my head explodes.

Now, if my husband had to go dig up the lettuce, toast the bread for croutons, or press the olives for oil I might be able to give him a break. But he doesn't have to do any of those things. So, he suffers my loving and well-intentioned wrath. See, in a recent and oddly domestic turn of events, I have started doing a lot more cooking. I generally have a reputation as, well, a bad cook. But lately I've made some good soups. A loaf of bread without the bread machine thankyouverymuch. And a creamy chicken thing that involved the thickening of a delicate sauce. In some ways, this new culinary arrangement works out well for Demetri. He gets to eat good food, etc. etc. But in other ways, this turn of events might not be the best thing that ever happened to him. Because, as it turns out, I'm a bit of a kitchen bitch.

See, my domestic partner and I, we have different kitchen/cooking philosophies. His is more of the food-is-fun, let's-enjoy-our-time-in-the-kitchen variety whereas I'm more of a I-must-follow-the-recipe-exactly-or-die-in-the-attempt type. And to say that I am anal about time and timing in the kitchen (and, sadly, in life) would be, at the very least, a massive understatement. If I had an apron it would say, "No Pain, No Gain." Or maybe, "Do it my way and do it according to my time table or get yelled at." The second one is less catchy but more accurate.

My other "issue" is that I can hold a grudge. If grudge holding was a sport I would medal. So the fact that the last 37 minute salad making incident occurred over a week ago is insignificant. Time does not dull my rage. When I go out for a run I use this rage and pound it out on the pavement with each step, "Thirty. Seven. Minute. Salad." My times are dropping like nobody's business. But I love my husband, despite his obvious salad-making faults. And I recognize that my annoyance, anger, and grudge may be the merest bit "unhealthy". Another word for it may be "cray-zee." So my new apron says, "Salad Can Suck It." And my new philosophy is that steamed vegetables make an excellent side dish.

(BTW, Check out a new recipe blog that I'm part of, The Flaming Toaster. Because, clearly, those who can't cook should be teaching others how.)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

4 Hours

Zoey started school this week! Yes, I know you know. Yes, I know I've written about it ad nauseam. And yes, I'm going to write about it again. Right now.

Zoey started school this week! She goes two days a week for two hours each day. In some ways this is not a lot of time. It's not even enough time for me to really go home and accomplish anything. So, instead, I go to a nearby bakery/coffee shop, order a tea and a pastry, and lounge on the couch. Oh, and I also look very busy and important typing on my laptop. Very busy. And important. Did I mention that I'm important yet? Part of my typing was, naturally, updating by Facebook status to "Child FrEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEE!" But for all anyone knew I was finishing up my book, single handedly bringing down the republican party, or any other number of important things.

Then I go pick up Zoey. She smiles hugely when she sees me. She tugs me around by the hand to show me her art work, the dolls she played with, the sink where she washed her hands. She points and then pulls on my hand just a bit more for emphasis. She looks up at me and her face, her entire body, is glowing with pride. Pride. It's an amazing thing to see my daughter full of herself in the most wonderful way. It's an amazing thing to see my daughter walk hand in hand with her new friends.

And that 4 hours that in some ways isn't a lot of time? Well, it's just enough time to help me remember all the things I love about my daughter. It's enough time to make staying at home with Zoey today, a non school day, seem relaxed and, dare I say, special. We went grocery shopping this morning. We didn't hurry. We sang songs. We chatted. I enjoyed having my daughter gaze up at me, crinkle her nose, and laugh. I payed attention to how it feels when she holds my hand, when she buries her face in my neck.

We're all just feeling so proud and appreciative around here that we're thinking of putting Zoey in school for 3 mornings a week over the summer. Imagine how busy and important I can pretend to be then . . .

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Cool Moms Care: In Which We Both Survive the First Day of School

This week's Cool Moms Care post is up. Click here to see the cutest picture of Zoey ever. Oh, and to read about the first day of school.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Case for Book Burning

If I have to read 'Fiddle-I-Fee' one more time I'm going to . . . I'm going to . . . well, I'm going to do something that won't be nurturing or parental or at all exemplary. And I won't be spelling the four letter words while I do whatever it is that I'm going to do.

My first problem with 'Fiddle-I-Fee' is that it's a book that's meant to be sung. This does not work for me. I like to read my books and sing my songs. Yeah, yeah, I'm a big square, man. Deal with it.

My next problem is that it's one of those books that builds on itself. A boy is going around the farm feeding animals and each page adds one more animal. Then, on each page, you have to repeat all the animals from previous pages. There are a total of 9 animals. NINE! By the second animal I am already calculating how many more freaking animals there are. And there are always too many.

My last, and perhaps biggest, problem with the book is the sounds the animals make. Whoever wrote the book has clearly never been to a farm. Or a petting zoo. For example, the goose goes "swishy-swashy". Um . . . really? Because all the geese I know go 'Honk!' And the hen? She says "chispsy-chopsy". What THE HELL is that about? The dog, accurately, says "bow-wow, bow-wow" but this does not rhyme or fit syllabically with the song. Which may be while the full title of the book is "Fiddle-I-Fee: A Farmyard Song for the Very Young". The "very young" are probably less judgmental about rhyming, accuracy, and lyrics that . . . fit? I don't even know what to call this last thing because THERE IS NOT A TERM FOR IT. And why, why is that? BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T CRAM LYRICS THAT DON'T FIT A MELODY INTO A SONG. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A STUPID THING TO DO.

It's amazing what can push us over the e-d-g-e, isn't it?

Fiddle-I-Fee: A Farmyard Song for the Very Young

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

One of The Hills I'm Not Going to Die On

I just wanted to let you know that Zoey is now dressing herself. As long as she chooses clothes that provide enough warmth and general coverage*, I'm not going to fight it. I do not possess the internal resources to argue every day over clothes. And I don't have the upper body strength to force her into things she doesn't want to wear. So . . . Behold!!!! Today's outfit:

Why, yes! That is a Christmas tree shirt! It's rather fetching, don't you think?**

Who says one can't be festive all year long? Not us! One can totally celebrate a winter holiday while sporting pants that speak to the hope of an early spring.

We also don't follow random societal rules, like the one about matching socks. Fight the power, baby!

So, um, yeah. Again: Zoey is dressing herself. Do you get what I'm saying? Hm? THE OUTFITS ARE NOT MY FAULT. Don't judge me. A well dressed and clothing-coordinated child is not necessarily an indicator of competent parenting. Right? RIGHT???***

* Yesterday she wanted to wear a tank top over her legs and nothing else. This is an example of inadequate coverage.
** Clearly, this is a rhetorical question
*** Not a rhetorical question.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cool Moms Care: A Grateful Wimp

This week's Cool Moms Care post is up. Go forth and read all about my wimpishness. Sigh.