Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Case for Book Burning

If I have to read 'Fiddle-I-Fee' one more time I'm going to . . . I'm going to . . . well, I'm going to do something that won't be nurturing or parental or at all exemplary. And I won't be spelling the four letter words while I do whatever it is that I'm going to do.

My first problem with 'Fiddle-I-Fee' is that it's a book that's meant to be sung. This does not work for me. I like to read my books and sing my songs. Yeah, yeah, I'm a big square, man. Deal with it.

My next problem is that it's one of those books that builds on itself. A boy is going around the farm feeding animals and each page adds one more animal. Then, on each page, you have to repeat all the animals from previous pages. There are a total of 9 animals. NINE! By the second animal I am already calculating how many more freaking animals there are. And there are always too many.

My last, and perhaps biggest, problem with the book is the sounds the animals make. Whoever wrote the book has clearly never been to a farm. Or a petting zoo. For example, the goose goes "swishy-swashy". Um . . . really? Because all the geese I know go 'Honk!' And the hen? She says "chispsy-chopsy". What THE HELL is that about? The dog, accurately, says "bow-wow, bow-wow" but this does not rhyme or fit syllabically with the song. Which may be while the full title of the book is "Fiddle-I-Fee: A Farmyard Song for the Very Young". The "very young" are probably less judgmental about rhyming, accuracy, and lyrics that . . . fit? I don't even know what to call this last thing because THERE IS NOT A TERM FOR IT. And why, why is that? BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T CRAM LYRICS THAT DON'T FIT A MELODY INTO A SONG. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A STUPID THING TO DO.

It's amazing what can push us over the e-d-g-e, isn't it?

Fiddle-I-Fee: A Farmyard Song for the Very Young


  1. We have a terribly obnoxious Passover book that makes me feel the same way... and no, I sure as hell won't sing it.

  2. If you get Charlotte that book I will never forgive you...

  3. Psst! Although your daughter is EXTREMELY intelligent perhaps you can mix it up a little by oh, changing the animals or their language? (I know, I know, I am toddler-deprived and no not of what I speak). Not just cluck cluck for the hens, but heck, why not make them French hens - so perhaps cluque, cluque goes zee henss - oui, oui? Iss zees not so, no?

    Or perhaps, sadly - all the animals get out of the barnyard and run away. Too bad. (I know only one of you will be shedding tears over that!)